I have been to Camp Endor, and I am here to tell you that you do not want to go to Camp Endor

I know they sold Camp Endor T-shirts recently at Star Wars Celebration Europe. And look, I get it. A three-month stay in a camp in the woods filled with adorable teddy bears: Who doesn’t want that? When I saw it listed under my release options I was like, 'Is it my birthday?'.

I should have known I was in trouble as soon as I got on the shuttle and started talking to the other 'campers.' They were all stormtroopers. I mean, former stormtroopers, obviously. Go New Republic! And like me, they all thought they had hit the jackpot.

Then we got off the transport and our Ewok handler Barubbub (why do all their names sound like things a drunk Mon Calamari says?) immediately began to ridicule us. I know you probably won’t believe this, but I swear it’s the truth: Ewoks are super mean. They mimic everything about you—the sound of your voice, your walk, the way you eat.

And any mistake you make at work—oh, did they forget to tell you, Camp Endor is a work camp — they just shred you. Yes, I asked for an extra break, 'General' Bleeblah or whatever your name is, but I’m also 45 and spent the last t20 years in a completely useless coat of armor. My back is freaking killing me. Also, you only feed us bark and leaves. Come on.

You literally can’t trust anything an Ewok tells you, either. Their 'Ropes Course' involved building new homes for them a thousand feet above the ground. The 'ropes'? These terrifyingly thin vines they make you use to travel between platforms. Seriously, you have to jump off a platform a thousand feet in the air and swing. How is that even legal?

But it was actually better than 'Outdoor Adventure,' which involved a group of us having to hunt the 'Boo-Boo.' It sounds like a kids’ game, right? Turns out, a Boo-Boo is a freaking dragon. No joke, half my crew got eaten in front of me.

And then when we got back Barubbub walked behind me imitating what he called my 'Boo Hoo Boo-Boo walk.' I really, really hate that guy.

I realize, I’m no one’s favorite person right now. Even my parents are like, We told you that Darth Vader was bad news. But I never even saw him, except this one time when we walked by each other in a hallway. (Between us, he smelled nasty. Like, my dude, take a shower.)

So yeah, I bet on the wrong bantha. Like I said, I get it. But if you’re going to torture me, at least have the courage to admit it. Don’t tell me it’s a 'romp with the adorable woodland creatures of Endor' and then make me stand in place for an hour while a pack of baby bears strut around imitating the way I say 'Palpatine.' It’s true, I was a stormtrooper. But I still have feelings, you know?

So if you’re wandering around and you see an Ewok, Trust me, you'll save yourself a world of trouble if you just go buy the Camp Endor T-shirt instead.

(Also, I don’t care what Barubbub says, it’s Palpa-TINE, not Palpa-TEEN. I was there, bro. I was there.)