Dating is a dangerous activity in the Marvel Universe. To be fair, living in the Marvel Universe is dangerous in general, but dating can be especially hazardous. Getting kidnapped seems to be a rite of passage for anyone who dates a superhero, and romantic outings are often interrupted by supervillains. Most of the time you get rescued, but not every superhero love interest has been as lucky.
Don’t even get me started on Matt Murdock’s girlfriends, because that’s a graveyard for another time.
The point is, dating in the Marvel Universe is risky. Now imagine what it’s like to date someone like Deadpool. Wade Wilson means well, but he’s an unpredictable guy. Trouble seems to follow him wherever he goes, and not a day goes by where someone isn’t trying to kill him. In Deadpool #6 (written by Alyssa Wong and penciled by Javier Pina) Wade takes Valentine Vuong (they/them) out on a date, and violence ensues.
The couple dodge assassins throughout their romantic outing, and amazingly, Valentine makes it out alive. If you can survive a date with Wade Wilson, then you can survive anything. Since Deadpool is a fictitious character, you’re probably never going to date him. However, for hypothetical purposes, here are some survival tips for dating Deadpool.
Warning: Spoilers ahead for Deadpool #6!
Survival tip 1: It helps if you’re a trained assassin
If you’re not familiar with Valentine Vuong, they’re a mutant and a master assassin. Valentine has syringes for fingers, which they can use to inject chemicals into their opponents. Valentine can conjure any chemical they could imagine, which is a handy trick. In other words, Valentine can take care of themself, which gives them a good chance at surviving date night.
Survival tip 2: Spend some time in front of the mirror before Deadpool arrives
Looking into a mirror before a date might seem like an obvious dating tip, but Valentine put a new twist on it. Remember when I said Valentine was a master assassin? Well, it turns out that they were part of an Assassins guild called Atelier. Deadpool had angered the group (are you surprised?), and Valentine was supposed to bring him in. Instead, the two of them fell in love and became a couple. Now Atelier wants both of them dead.
What does this have to do with mirrors? The Atelier guild sent Mirror, an assassin with reflective skin, after Valentine. This interrupted Valentine as they were getting ready for their date with Deadpool. Luckily Valentine was able to defeat Mirror before Wade’s arrival. Taking care of the hired killer before the date was a good idea, because it meant Wade and Valentine had one less interruption during their romantic outing.
Survival tip 3: Be prepared for corny jokes
Look, if you decide to date Deadpool, then you know what you’re in for. Wade Wilson has a weird sense of humor, and some of his jokes are painfully bad. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you can enjoy your date. For example, when Deadpool came to pick Valentine up for their date, he greeted them by saying, “Are you an impacted wisdom tooth? Because I want to take you out.”
After a pickup line that painful, it’s amazing that Valentine didn’t surrender to the Atelier guild.
Survival tip 4: Have a strong stomach
If you have a sensitive stomach, then you won’t enjoy dating Deadpool. Wade Wilson’s idea of fine dining is expired food. In order to save money on his grocery bill, Deadpool bought expired food to eat with his date, since it was heavily discounted. In fairness, Wade saved $35, but is that really worth the stomach pain? Romantic partners might love a bargain, but they don’t love indigestion.
To Valentine’s credit, they rolled with it. “I don’t mind the slightly sour taste. It’s kind of nostalgic,” Valentine said.
Survival tip 5: Have a killer pet nearby, just in case
Pets are a fun addition to any date, and they can be useful if you’re dodging assassins. The assassins of the Atelier guild tried to eliminate Deadpool and Valentine numerous times throughout their date, but luckily Wade’s dog Princess was able to stop them. If that last sentence raised some questions, then let me bring you up to speed.
Princess is a symbiote who has taken the form of a giant dog. She’s the result of an experiment where the Carnage symbiote was cloned and injected into Deadpool’s body. Wade gave birth to Princess, and the two have been inseparable ever since. (Yes, you read that correctly, Deadpool gave birth to a Carnage dog. Alyssa Wong’s Deadpool run has been wild.)
Anytime one of Atelier’s assassins tried to kill Deadpool and Valentine, Princess would use them as a chew toy. This allowed Valentine and Wade to enjoy their expired food in peace.
Survival tip 6: Date someone else instead
Yes, it’s possible to date Deadpool and live to tell the tale. All it takes is fingers made of syringes and a killer Carnage dog. Honestly though, your best bet for survival is dating someone else entirely. Remember, Deadpool was only played by Ryan Reynolds in the movies, that doesn’t mean he actually looks like him. It’s not worth it, friends. If dating Deadpool means dodging assassins and puking up expired food, you might as well date someone dull and safe. Nobody ever needed a killer canine chaperone when they dated an assistant regional manager.
While dating Deadpool might be hazardous to your health, reading his comics isn’t. You can read Deadpool #6 now. For more on Deadpool and his odd brand of Marvel adventures, keep your eyes peeled to Popverse.