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Welcome, Popversians, to The Coldest Open - the column where I, your humble horror host, examine the history of scary cinema through the first moments of its standout entries. Since you're already here for horror, I probably don't need to tell you that the day this is being published is a very special day for fans of Britney Spears-obsessed robotic murderers, nor do I need to give much of an introduction to today's topic: M3GAN.

But first, let's go over how this column works: In the Coldest Open, I'm going to be breaking down five different hallmarks of every great cold open in horror, then judging whether the movie in question pulls them off. If so, that hallmark will get ranked with a "Cold" verdict; if not, it'll get ranked with a "warm." At the end, we'll tally up those verdicts and determine a temperature, ranging all the way from Lukewarm to Absolute Zero.

Make sense? Alright, then as we prepare to TikTok dance our way to the theater for M3GAN 2.0, let's go over the moments that started it all.

M3GAN's Cold-Blooded Killer

We don't actually get to meet the titular villain of M3GAN until a couple of minutes after the cold open has already wrapped, but screenwriter Akela Cooper finds a way to convey the central danger behind her character even before she's on screen. That is, by demonstrating an example of young Cady (Violet McGraw) having a dangerous relationship with technology.

As her parents drive along a dangerous road (which we know will be their doom), Cady plays with a toy, a Furby-esque AI critter called a PurRpetual Pet. When an especially scary patch of ice flings the toy out of its seat and onto the floor, Cady ditches her own safety, unbuckling her seatbelt to retrieve it. Worse, the PurRpetual Pet actually asks her to do that. 

Eventually, Cady will meet M3GAN, whose murderous philosophy is entirely centered around the idea of the bond between human and machine being more important than the human lives in Cady's orbit. But that won't come as new information to the viewer - Cooper and a Furby knockoff have already established it.

Verdict: Cold

M3GAN's First Person to Get Iced

The first people we see die in this film aren't killed by M3GAN at all. Those are Cady's parents, Nicole and Ryan, played by Chelsie Preston Crayford and Arlo Green, respectively. And while it's always sad to see a kid lose their parents, there's not much to connect to in these characters.

Part of that comes from their stunted dialogue (which we'll get into in a second), but a lot of it comes from the fact that they're fighting in a way that doesn't feel natural. How many longterm couples do you know that, as they fight, state the exact reasons that they're upset in a coherent way? It's already tough to immediately like a character you only see displaying annoyance, doubly so when that annoyance doesn't feel earned.

And by the way, I don't think this should reflect on Crayford and Green as actors in the least. They do well with what they have to work with; I'm just saying it's not much.

Verdict: Warm

M3GAN's Polar Plot Intro

OK, so I've mentioned that the dialogue in this scene feels stunted, and the reason for that stuntedness is to get across important plot details. They discuss that Cady's toy comes from Gemma (Allison Williams), who is Cady's aunt, and who works for the company that makes the toys. Again, all in a much more coherent way than any two normal fighting people would.

The thing is, though, we will learn that quite naturally in the course of events very shortly after this cold open ends. We'll see Cady go to Gemma as her primary guardian and will have an explanation as to why; we'll see her at work for the PurRpetual Pet; and  - all within the first five or six minutes after the opening credit sequence. All these plot points will become evident to anyone who is paying attention, and unfortunately, it feels like Nicole and Ryan's awkward explanation of them was written for people who aren't.

Verdict: Warm

M3GAN's Frozen Snapshots

Did director Gerard Johnstone know, as he was directing M3GAN's infamous TikTok dance scene, that he was creating one of the most iconic moments of 2020s horror? I can't say, but I can say that, long before that third act moment, Johnstone had already proved himself capable of impactful horror imagery, the kind that both frightens and, in a sick way, makes us laugh.

The first major scare of the movie is the exact moment Cady's parents meet their demise. Ryan and Nicole have stopped in the middle of the road, and as their previous argument deescalates into softer tones, the wall of snow ahead of them gives way to an oncoming truck. And just like that, Cady is an orphan. 

It's a shocking, emotional, and damn well shot moment, one that's sure to get hearts racing and sympathies engaged as we head into the title credit sequence.

Verdict: Cold

M3GAN's Bone-Chilling Music

The music of M3GAN's cold open mostly comes from a very 90s-coded commercial jingle advertising the PurRpetual Pets. Part of the lyrics refer to a beloved pet dying, and it's darkly funny to think about an emotionally oblivious boardroom approving that song to actually go into their marketing. But other than that, there's not much to say about the background music as we actually cut into Cady's situation, because really, there isn't any.

Yes, as there's a screech of what could be strings as the orphan-making truck plows into Cady's car, but the film mostly relies on tense silence to hammer down the tone of this sequence. And to be honest, the silence doesn't feel earned. I'm slightly frightened by the icy road and Cady's self-sabotage, but not in the way I would be if I was, say, watching Michael Myers from the POV of Laurie Strode in a closet. In that case, the silence is 

Verdict: Warm

M3GAN's Cold Open Temperature: Slight Chill

I'm no cinematic elite; I had plenty of fun watching M3GAN in a packed theater of people who were there for the camp of it all, even though the film's many trailers had already spoiled the biggest moments. But I won't lie, before writing this article, I can't say that I really remembered how M3GAN began, and I think its failure to check three of the above boxes is the primary reason.

I'll point out though - this cold open is all of two minutes and change. I think it knew that people didn't need too much backstory to buy into M3GAN - they just wanted to get to the murderbot. So in that way, I suppose it's exactly what it needed to be, and the sequel wouldn't do terribly to learn the same lesson.

Speaking of, M3GAN 2.0 is in theaters now.