Welcome to XOXO, Popverse! Our Valentines gift to you this year is a week-long celebration of all things love and romance in pop culture, from our favorite couples to which superheroes would make the worst dates. (It's the X-Men.) Find our love notes to you right here. 

Love is in the air, friends, and we here at Popverse want to celebrate it. Because love is beautiful; it is why almost anyone does what they do. That is what XOXO, Popverse is all about, but love comes in all different forms. Sometimes, as in Dispatch, it is a kind and beautiful stranger giving you a second chance, and sometimes, also in Dispatch, it is a giant, buff demon woman that feels like the best kind of bad decision.

Using our deep insight into the human condition that we gained by being entrenched in the Waifu Wars of anime message boards, our team of experts (ie, me) has analyzed the cast of Dispatch to discover exactly what your favorite ship in the game says about you. And, just like our steamy fanfiction on the subject, we’re not restricting ourselves to just official romance options here.

Blonde Blazer – You like a simple life

Nothing wrong with this. Blonde Blazer is the kind of woman you can take home to mom, which is admirable. She is exactly who she presents herself as (even if the fandom doesn’t want to believe it) and gives our Mecha Man a chance to rebuild his life and his giant robot suit. You sometimes wear a new cardigan to spice things up and probably host dinner parties where you talk about "world issues". You’re not looking for drama in your love life.

Invisigal – You think you can fix her

The other official romance option in Dispatch is Invisigal, and she is a bit of a project. She’ll never think she’s good enough. Her instinct is to always take the most self-destructive path. She will say and do things to hurt you, but you know she doesn’t mean it. At least, she probably won’t mean it in the morning. If she’s your preferred romance option, you don’t mind a little drama. That is the spice of life; besides, the makeup sex is gonna be out of this world.

Malevola – You’re not a coward

When you dive into the Dispatch fandom, it is clear that the devs missed a trick by not making Malevola a romance option in the game, because folks have it bad for this giant demon woman who wields a sword that would make Cloud blush. While characters like Blonde Blazer are physically stronger, Malevola is the one who is more likely to crush you between her thighs in a fit of passion. And that’s cool with you because what is life without a bit of danger? The mountain of fanart of Malevola out there suggests you are not alone.

Waterboy – You’re a top

There isn’t much to Waterboy in Dispatch. He’s a bit of a damp squib, pardon the pun. Sure, he’s got more of a spine at the end of the game, but he still needs someone to take him by the hand and tell him where to go and what to do. And if you’re sitting there wishing you could unlock some special scene with Waterboy, chances are that’s something you’re into.

Phenomaman – You don’t mind a project

Look, we love Phenomaman. He’s hilarious and surprisingly useful in the Dispatch missions, but the boy takes work. He’s pretty broken by the time he joins the Z-Team, so we have to spend a lot of time and energy putting his confidence back together. That’s work, but in the end, you get to have a sexy, slightly weird alien dude to hang out with. If you love Phenomaman, chances are you’d be cool dating a guy who lives in his mother’s basement so long as he at least pretended to be getting his life together.

Coupé – You’re in danger, child

No one in Dispatch gives out stronger yandere vibes than Coupé. Get in bed with her, and she’s probably going to be completely loyal and even loving… right until you break up and she is outside your window sharpening her knife collection. The fact that she had a knife collection (and insisted on showing you repeatedly, often during sex) should have been a warning sign, but you are apparently colorblind because you saw all those red flags and thought they were green.

Punch Up – You love a short king

No one is going to accuse you of looking down on short men, and that’s great. Punch Up has plenty of great qualities, like how he is the perfect height to both fix pipes under the sink and punch people in the dick. Both are highly valued qualities in a lover.

Flambae and Prism – You like a little extra

We're bunching these together simply because they both say the same thing about you. Both Flambae and Prism are going to be the life of the party whether anyone likes it or not, which can be fun or it can be exhausting. If either of these is your Dispatch ship of choice, you’ve made peace with occasionally having to drag your partner out of a fight that they absolutely started.

Sonar and Golem – You absolutely know what “knotting” is

Sure, these two are very different characters, but they say the same thing about the person who wants to romance them; you won’t be confined to society’s narrow perception of beauty. You don’t mind a lover who occasionally transforms into a giant bat monster or who can sprout an extra limb or three to spice things up. You have explored the strangest realms of fanart and emerged as a new person.

Robert Robertson III aka Mecha Man – You like to play with yourself

Nuff said, really.

Continue the story with our deep dive into Dispatch with a conversation with AdHoc Studio's two main developers. If you're still confused after that, here's the Dispatch season 1 ending explained and how they changed it at the last minute.